Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding sucks. (Haha! I made a funny!)

No really, it's not at all what I thought it would be. I did my reading. I was picturing some instinctual mother/baby bonding experience and how cool it would be to feed my kid naturally. Finally putting those breasts to their useful purpose.

It did not work out this way. There's a few things the books don't tell you.

1. PAIN
Holy balls from hell does it hurt. I returned the book to the library, so I don't have an exact quote, but The Everything Breastfeeding Book says that if you feel more than a gentle tugging, the latch must be wrong.

Incorrect. I spent 4 days at the hospital. My latch was evaluated by 5 nurses, 2 doctors, and 1 lactation consultant. The latch is fine. The baby was getting milk.

The pain was excruciating. I continue to take 800mg Motrin to get through it. My nipples are always sore and cracked and throbbing, even with generous helpings of lanolin cream. The initial latch always has me grit my teeth and kick the nearest piece of furniture.

2. COMPLICATIONS
The books do make mention of clogs, mastitis, thrush, etc. But a paragraph at best. The first week home I had a fever of 101F and was popping antibiotics three times a day. My right boob hurt so bad I could barely lift my arm over my head. On top of that, it felt like I had the flu. Oh, and I was recovering from major abdominal surgery.

I've had three golf ball sized clogs in the 6 weeks that my baby has been alive. Plus numerous pea sized ones. I've had two milk blisters. Yet the only helpful information in treating these, I've found online or through my doctor. The breastfeeding reference books continue to paint a blissful picture of the experience.

3. TIME
This can go either way. A lot of women (me) complain about the time it takes to breastfeed. My baby will nurse anywhere from 25-40 minutes on each breast. Once he set a record of 57 minutes. Then you burp him between each breast, so tack on another 10 minutes. Let's assume each feeding takes 1 hour of nursing, plus 10 minutes burping, plus 5 minutes beforehand changing diapers and getting your nursing area prepped.....you are nursing a newborn for 8-9 hours a day. At 6 weeks, this may be 5-6 hours a day.

The flip side of the argument is that pumping takes too long. You have to set up the machine, pump for 25 minutes, clean all the parts, feed the baby, burp the baby, rock the baby, etc. Some women believe it to be much more efficient just to lift the baby to the boob and there you go. It depends on how you look at it. And you can also feed on the go, rather than stashing bottles in refrigerated bags.

I choose the former argument, obviously. Sorry, but think about this. 5 hours of nursing. 5 hours of vigorous sucking at your nipple. How the fuck does this not hurt everyone?? Maybe I'm super sensitive?

4. ISOLATION
Pumping takes 25 minutes. That's it. You can do both breasts at the same time, hand the bottle off to someone else, and clean the parts while grandmom feeds the baby. Nursing, however, is about 30 minutes on each breast. If you're like me, you don't feel totally comfortable nursing in front of people. That means you go into a room with a door shut for 5-7 hours a day. You get pretty isolated and lonely, even with a smartphone and Facebook nearby.

Eventually the need for human interaction forces you out the room and you nurse in front of family, hoping you don't accidentally flash them. Still, you shouldn't be made to feel this desperate. And I'm an introvert. I can only imagine what it's like for more social people.

5. UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
I've read about how human milk is best for the baby. I have not been able to find why that milk needs to come from a boob and not a bottle. I can pump and still get the same nutrition into him.

I blame the Breast is Best campaign, and all the published books out there for not accurately painting a picture of what breastfeeding is. Many moms, like me, make the decision to do it because it's the best food for the baby and will create a bonding experience between us. Despite the large amount of research I did beforehand, I was still surprised by the loneliness, the time, and the pain. People tend to gloss over the facts in an effort to get you to breastfeed. Many times the book or article will gloss over it, like "if breastfeeding does not work out for you, congratulate yourself for doing it as long as you did. Your baby will thank you."

What exactly does it mean to "not work out"? Why did women stop? How do you get past the guilt? How come the only place I can get answers to these questions are from blogs and forums?

6. GUILT
Despite the fact I hated breastfeeding and the near-constant pain, I didn't stop. I felt like I couldn't; it was the best thing for the baby. It's like I was waiting for permission from someone to stop.

And that came. Finally. At my 6 week doctor's appointment, I told my doctor about all the issues. The clogs, the blisters, the chapped nipples....She said since these were still going on after 6 weeks, I was too high of a risk for repeated mastitis and eventual breast abscess. She recommended I switch from nursing to pumping.

I have to admit, I felt enormous relief. A guilt-free order from the doctor to cut back. She didn't send me back to a lactation consultant or recommend I keep trying because "eventually your nipples will toughen". She listened to me, heard the pain in my voice, and relieved me of the guilt. I think she knew I was asking for permission.

She also said something that resonated with me. Right now, my body associates breastfeeding with pain. That is not a bonding experience; it's the opposite. I shouldn't dread feeding my child.

Since then, I've only been nursing 2-3 times a day and pumping the rest. I am a lot happier and in less pain. I have more time to myself and more time to spend with other people. Plus, the hubby can now feed the baby too. It doesn't have to be me all the time. That's another pressure off of me. I get my bonding time with my baby by cuddling him after the bottle and having him rest on my stomach while laying on the couch. Same as my husband bonds.

So if you are reading this and having trouble breastfeeding, consider cutting back. I was happier once I did.